Of First Meetings & Such

It's nice to know at NS the single parents have not been forgotten. And here we can gather whenever we need to.



Let's see now. There was bread and water (what more does one need), cookies baking in the sun, brownies (I think) and something yellow. Conversation was nice (brave we are) and so it goes. Getting to know one another is sometimes a slow process but we will get there, indeed.

I met a few writers with something to say. I hope to hear it soon. I'll just relax under the shade and wait for all those pearls of wisdom.

The Knight Who Sees

The Knight Who Sees

I will never fail you, I will never forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

by Amanda Silk

If I could say one thing about being a single mom, it’s that no matter how lonely I was prior to becoming a mother, I am much lonelier now.

I truly believed once my child was born the void her father so casually left in my life would miraculously go away. My child will love me, I deliberated. She will need me and be there forever, no matter what. The void, however, stayed with me even after her birth.

Little did I know that I would long for companionship and love more than ever before —a deep, sad, empty longing for love, the love of my life, a love for a lifetime. Why do I desire these things now? Because it seems, since I’ve had a child by myself, the feelings and desires I thought my child would fulfill are now further from my reach than ever before.



Waking up at 6:30 a.m. to a screaming child wanting to get out of bed to watch her T.V. shows or her favorite movie, the one we have seen at least 100 times before, is how I start my morning. Most of my days are spent running around after her; wiping her bottom, cleaning up spills, doing laundry, fighting off tantrums, giving spankings (and, of course, feeling awful afterward), worrying about money, and what tomorrow, next year or five years from now will bring. But even more than all of that, I feel lonely and sad. I worry about my daughter’s feelings.

What kind of life have I given her? She will never know what it is like to sit at the window watching for her daddy to come home from work. Never will she wait with the innocent anticipation only a child can have. Her eyes will never light up as she sees him pull into the driveway. Nor will she run to the door jumping up and down like a puppy just as the keys enter the lock and the doorknob turns.

“Daddy, Daddy you’re home,” will never be heard. He should have been there to pick her up into his arms and swing her around. Will she ever experience that very moment when, deep down in her heart, she knows her Daddy loves her more than anything in this world?
Daily, guilt fills my mind. I have deprived my little girl of a life with her father, of a love she needs. It is heart breaking and soul aching.

Is there a way to feel different about my life? I ask myself this every day, and then I am reminded of her REAL father and of my REAL partner…our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I think of what the Lord said about life and our day to day struggles.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you may have trouble, but take heart I have overcome this world (John16:33).
Even as I write the words of this verse, my eyes fill up with tears. Being a single parent isn’t easy, being a child of a single parent isn’t easy, let’s face it, being a human being ISN’T EASY. Life is hard no matter what road you choose. Please don’t make it harder by taking it alone. The Lord reminds us in Hebrews 13:5, I will never fail you, I will never forsake you. Memorize this verse, have your children memorize it because He loves us —ALL of us. Life is meant to be LIVED, not alone, but with Him.

I know first hand how it feels to be a single parent and I’ve seen what a child of a single parent goes through. Though it is a difficult life, it doesn’t have to be a lonely and scary one.
I call on the Lord when I am scared, I call on Him when I am lonely, I call on Him when I am happy, and grateful for His provisions. I call on the Lord always. Whether or not I ever marry, He is my knight in shining armor and the father of my child. The Lord is the one who rescues me when I fall, who wipes away my tears, cheers me on, and who laughs with me. The Lord has been there from the beginning and He will be there until the end.

A Story of Hope

A Story of Hope
By Tina Groll

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my fortress I will never be shaken (Psalm 62:1-2).

After 18 years in a very turbulent marriage I suddenly found myself a single mother. If anyone had told me 20 years ago that I would be a single mom someday, I would have laughed right in their face. No doubt, I might have responded with a “Not me, I am a committed wife and mother for life!”

Yet, there I was, faced with getting a job and leaving my children to go to that job. I loved being a mom. I had been a stay-at-home one to my four children for all of their lives. Each one of my children was a planned pregnancy and I anxiously awaited their arrival with great excitement and anticipation. The oldest was fifteen and the youngest was six when my husband left us.

Stephanie my oldest daughter (she’s now 22) is beautiful, smart and funny girl. She has a singing voice that you cannot believe could come out of her tiny five-foot tall body. I have no doubt that she will succeed in life even though she is very strong-willed. And, of course, despite all of my wise counsel, she is determined to learn things the hard way.

My oldest son, Aaron, has grown into a very sensitive twenty-one year old man who is serving the Lord with his whole heart. He has an extremely dry sense of humor and spends a lot of time contemplating the purpose of his being here. Soft spoken and introspective I have no doubt that God has great plans for him.

David is 16. He is a softhearted young man who has a tremendous love of family, and his cat. David is the kind of guy who cannot pass up a little kid selling candy bars without buying one. As of now, he plans to become a rock star. There’s always room for one more.

Danielle is 13 going on 30. She is athletic, smart, popular and very creative. She has a good head on her shoulders and knows who she. Danielle is not one to get pushed around. My youngest daughter has a great sense of humor and never fails to make me laugh.

Naturally, my anger towards my husband had everything to do with him letting the children and me down. I was also a little angry with God for allowing this divorce to happen. But more than anything, I was really scared. Coming from an old-fashioned Italian Catholic family, the women were raised to be wives and mothers. It was the only thing I really knew how to do in life.

What was I to do now? I didn’t make very much money and the child support wasn’t coming in like it was supposed to. Debt from the divorce was a major source for my stress along with a house payment, not to mention the expense of having two kids in high school and the everyday expenses of living.

The question remained. What was I to do now? Well, in my case, I set out to find myself a husband. After only a year, because I was certain that God wouldn’t make me wait too long, I decided that I was ready to begin dating.

I dated a man for a year and a half before we broke up. It was pretty devastating as I was sure that God would make it work. When it didn’t I realized, with the help of my counselor, that I had chosen someone who was very similar to my ex-husband. This forced me into some pretty heavy self-examination and lots of prayer!

There were times when all I could do was to quote Proverbs 3:5-6: Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own understanding.


A few months went by after the breakup and I decided to date again—bad idea. I experienced one disappointing date after another. There was one exception, however, but I talked myself right out of seeing this man a second time because he just seemed to be too nice. I was a mess, a lost sheep wandering near a cliff, teetering closer to the edge.

If it were not for the gracious Shepherd, who kept me from taking that deadly step over the rim, I would have never truly found the strength to begin seeking my Father’s ways.

I finally got honest with myself and admitted that I really hadn’t asked God for any direction. I slowly began to see things more clearly. Though, at times, I didn’t much like what I saw.

Everywhere I turned, I heard loud and clear that I was to wait upon the Lord. Friends would tell me I would meet someone if I would only stop looking. Many of my caring customers (I was a checker in a grocery store) told me the same thing. Of course, I just couldn’t imagine how this could ever happen. Was God going to send someone who would simply knock on my door? I didn’t think so.

But after six years of being alone, I cried “uncle” and gave up. I concentrated on my four kids and decided that if I was going to be a Grandma someday that I would just pour my energy into being the best Granny in town.

Forced to sell the home that I had worked so hard to hang on to, I could not stretch one more dollar to make ends meet. Even after selling the house, I wasn’t sure how I would survive financially. One thing I did know was that my only hope was to rely on God.

A mantra of Psalm 62:1-2 played over and over in my head:My soul finds rest in God Alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Even though I was emotionally and physically exhausted, these verses gave me a new attitude and it felt great!

So there I was with my new attitude. My soul finds rest in God alone was really working for me and I finally believed I was right where my heavenly father wanted me. Then, lo and behold . . . remember that really nice guy I had one date with?

Well, he decided, two years later, to try again. I was special, he said. And even though he thought that I would surely be married by now, he’d give it a try just in case I was still single.

I was actually just sitting at home when a text message came from him on my old cell phone. (I had given this phone to my youngest daughter to use for emergencies.) Had I been given a second chance to get to know this “nice” man? Was this a message from God? It had to be.

You see, God did have someone “knock on my door.” It was in His timing and in His way, the only way He knows how to work—perfectly. Seven months later this man, Chris, who I thought was just too nice, became my husband.

Single moms, are you feeling alone in this world? Be encouraged. I might not have always followed God’s way or listened for his direction but He never gave up on me. He will never give up on you either. It doesn’t matter how many times He needs to use His staff to pull us from the edge of that cliff. Trust in Him for He is trustworthy.

Trust in the Lord, and do good . . . Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord . . . Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him (Psalms 37:3-7 NIV).

Included in this wedding picture is my stepson, Jordan, who is 13. He is quiet, sensitive and areally nice young man. We are developing a special “friendship.” In a recent Mother’s Day card he wrote, “You are the best step mom that any kid could wish for.” Jordan is not afraid to express his feelings. He is a wonderful addition to an already full quiver!

Tina Groll
tinagroll@marykay.com

**Tina is currently working on her first book (Working title “Undercover Heart”) on helping women gain strength when all hope is gone. She believes that being honest about her past faults, failings and successes will help others to realize that they are not alone. Tina would also like to speak to teenage girls about the importance of not finding their self-worth in their relationships with men but to really know who they are. She feels that many women keep their true hearts hidden in an effort to protect themselves. "We need to seek after God to help us become the women that He created us to be and to let our true selves be known so that we can reach others in and for His kingdom."

A Still Small Voice

A Still Small Voice:
An Essay of Feelings for the Single Mom

By Debby Alten




“. . . I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.” (2 Corinthians 11:2)

Shay O’Neal plunged herself into her worn-out, yet, comfortable sofa. The warm California sun eased its way out of another day. It was D-day for her—the first day after the divorce was final. She was alone, or so it seemed. Was she the only one who had failed so miserably at a marriage, not to mention the embarrassing attempts to win him back? And the questions that now haunted her were setting her up for another defeat.

Can I raise two teenage sons alone? Will they let me? What will we eat? Where will we live? Will I be alone forever? Who would want me now, anyway? One of the songs her husband wrote played over and over in her mind. A voice she didn’t want to remember.

I’ve given all that I can give
Now I’m down on my knees . . .
Hello sadness, I see we meet again.
Hello madness, my old friend.

She switched the off button on and thought candidly of her life. For the last fifteen years, her career sacrificed for her family, she had been a stay-at-home mom. Now she was desperate to find a job. But the working world had passed her by. Her qualifications simply did not meet the requirements anywhere. Shay O’Neal, single mom, longed to escape after a day filled with rejections.

She heard her sons argue. “Ask next time!”

"I’m home!" she hollered. Should she try to stop them now before it came to the usual full-blown battle, or let them work things out? Even the effort of having to make that decision added to her exhaustion.

Her sons’ angry words blurred in and out of earshot. “You never ask me! You take whatever you want!”

She decided to let it go. No point in a defenseless person entering the battlefield. The old sofa held her frailty for a few more minutes. The fighting continued.

Glancing around the living room Shay realized her early morning attempt at cleaning had failed. She leaned back, pulled her knees to her chin and embraced them with her tired arms.

By eight o’clock her children had worked out their differences, as best they could. Each found sanctuary in their respective rooms with their own choice of music. Both of which was noise to her ears. She drifted for another hour and thought, another day, almost over.

Shuffling through the kitchen door she found dinner dishes screaming with an unclean vengeance. The floor begged for a mopping. Who’s to know? The tiles are fading anyhow. Nonetheless, she picked up the mop and began to clean. The small of her back tensed up and she wondered if all those perfect wives with their wonderful husbands and well-behaved children were cleaning house at nine in the evening.

When the clock struck midnight she granted herself much needed sleep. But sleep evaded her as all the worries of her future, and those of her sons’, loomed heavy on her heart. The emotions flowed with silent tears and flooded her complete being. If only she could escape. She knew, of course, there was none.

Then, in the darkness of the early morning, a voice whispered.

“Shay.”

Was she hearing things?

“Shay.”

Her curiosity grew stronger than her fear, though fear she had. She had lost that feeling of safety ever since her husband left and found it necessary to sleep with a night light. Nonetheless, Shay followed the voice through the hallway. Something was different. This is not my hallway—much too dark. She groped around for the light switch, but couldn’t find it.

“Focus.” She spoke out loud and struggled forward.

Unsuccessfully, Shay tried to adjust to the darkness. She stretched out her arms. Suddenly her home seemed unfamiliar terrain. But before she could turn back the whisper came again.

“Shay, return to me.”

“Who are you?” she said though it was quite conceivable she knew who it was. Never mind, she thought. Don’t answer that.

She passed a door—one of her son’s perhaps. Panic hit hard when she realized she had lost her way in the dark. Still, the voice beckoned her forward. “Where are you?” she asked each time as it gently urged her on.

Her steps were careful and slow. The carpet, like overgrown grass, was so thick she could hardly move. But she did because the voice compelled her.

At last she came to the front of a white door trimmed with golden edging. A measure of peace was restored to her although, at this point, she no longer knew where she was.

Without little effort the door opened and Shay walked into a room filled with extraordinary light. There she stood, a little confused and disoriented. Both hands now raised to protect her squinting eyes. She thought she saw a man. “Is someone there?”

“Yes,” He said and offered His hand. She didn’t take it. Her eyes fixed directly upon the man who walked slowly into focus. Did she know Him? Never had she seen Him before. Yet, she remembered him as a constant companion in the past. Where and when had she lost Him?

“I thought it was You,” she whispered. A few tears streamed down her face. “You don’t show up very often, do you?”

“Are you sure?” He asked gently.

The statuesque man stood before another door—glass held together within white wooden frames. As he opened the door, the smell of fresh flowers, roses and jasmine, rushed through this master suite and engulfed her. A tender breeze played with her hair and she giggled. When she ran to embrace him a Spirit that she could barely contain filled her.

Running through sheer, white silk curtains, Shay danced over soft green grass just outside the suite. Drops of dew caressed her bare feet. She ran and played within an ocean of flowers and cool summer breezes. She looked back and saw Him still standing in the doorway and realized how much she had missed Him.

She tip-toed back inside the master suite and followed the sounds of fresh water gushing into a clean bathtub. He was there.

“I’ve prepared a bath for you,” he said.

She could hardly believe the luxury. Everything she had ever dreamed of was here. A simple floor of golden bricks and mortar with walls from the mighty cedar tree—the color of milk and honey. And a sunken bathtub filled with warm water hidden by thousands of bubbles flirting with rose petals tossed here and there. This room, though large, was a cozy and comfortable place and seemingly prepared exclusively for her. Perfumed soaps in beautiful baskets decorated a stone-washed counter. Hanging plants dressed the frame of an open skylight. No artificial light shone here.

He turned to leave and said, “Relax, take your time. You deserve the rest.”

She watched Him turn and go, but his presence remained. His soothing eyes, his warm smile and that voice stayed with her. The voice had taken away all her fears and worries of life.

The water felt supernaturally refreshing. Somehow, it reached her innermost being, and cleansed her from the inside out.

After bathing, Shay put on a soft white silk robe and made her way to the bedroom. A gentle fire crackled in the fireplace. It kissed each brick, bringing a warm reddish glow to this magical place.

Was she dreaming? She dare not ask. Time stopped in this place where peace was plenty and joy flowed in abundance—finally, a chance to rest in a sea of comfort.

As her eyes closed, she noticed an old wooden rocking chair and pictured her mother rocking her to sleep as a child to ease the pain of scraped knees or hurtful words from insensitive friends. It moved to and fro when a gentle breeze whispered through the open doors. Once again the mild fragrance of roses and jasmine enchanted her through the sheer curtains as she drifted into blissful sleep.

The grandfather clock in her dingy living room announced the sixth hour of the early morning. Slowly she opened her eyes. Her two sons clamored for breakfast. She got up and once again surveyed the room. “Oh,” she whispered, “same old house.” Dirty laundry, still sprawled across the floor, waited for her.

But something had changed. She had changed. The overwhelming joy still caressed her. She felt refreshed. There had been a place prepared for her, a place of rest. And it remained with her. He remained with her.

She smiled at her children as she helped out with breakfast and drove them to school. On her way home, before tackling the endless job interviews, Shay strolled into a local park, found a bench and decided to enjoy the Californian sun. Lost in its warmth, she hardly noticed the man who shared her park bench.

At last, when she turned to Him she was greeted with calm and soothing eyes. He looked at her with a love she was beginning to understand—unconditional and forever.

“Am I still dreaming,” she asked.

The man smiled and said, “No, Shay, you were never dreaming. Everything will be all right. I am the maker of the sunrise. The love of your youth. Stay with me and I will stay with you.” His voice trailed off to a whisper.

She cried a little. And when she looked away for an instant to dry her face, he was gone. His presence, however, continued to fill her. It was well with her soul after all. He would make sure of that, all she had to do was let him.

“Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds—his name is the Lord—and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows . . .” (Psalm 68:4-5)

Delight and Desire

I have learned, or maybe I was forced, to see the difference between want and need. What a cliche! True though. And, btw, do we really think our needs are different than married moms? Well, you know, they really are.

What are our struggles and what are our needs and how are they different than those who attend Mom to Mom meetings? Love to hear from all of you who are too timid to come under Hagar’s Shade.

One thing we have in common; we all seemed to have adopted King David to speak for us. At least, we all turn to the Psalms when we need encouragement. Here’s my favorite. Psalm 37

Fret not thyself . . .

Trust in the Lord, and do good . . .

Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him; fret not thyself . . .

Wait on the Lord, and keep his way, and he shall exalt thee . . .
Delight in God has a transforming power, and lifts a man/woman above the gross desires of our fallen nature. . . If we will let our heart be filled with God till it runs over with delight, then the Lord Himself will take care that we shall not want any good thing. Instead of going abroad for joys let us stay at home with God, and drink waters out of our own fountain. . . It is better to be content with God alone than to go about fretting and pining for the paltry trifles of time and sense.

For a while we may have disappointments; but if these bring us nearer to the Lord, they are things to be prized exceedingly, for they will in the end secure to us the fulfillment of all our right desires.

C.H Spurgeon

The Hard Things

From a sermon by Charles H. Spurgeon. I don't know if he was speaking to single moms, but it sure helped me.

Waiting

“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14 King James)

Wait! Wait! Let your waiting be on the Lord! He is worth waiting for. He never disappoints the waiting soul. While waiting keep your spirits. Expect a great deliverance, and be ready to praise God for it. The promise which should cheer you is in the middle of the verse—“He shall strengthen thine heart.”

This goes at once to the place where you need help. If the heart be sound, all the rest of the system will work well. The heart wants calming and cheering: and both of these will come if it be strengthened. A forceful heart rests and rejoices, and throbs force into the whole man.

No one else can get at that secret urn of life, the heart, so as to pour strength into it. He alone who made it can make it strong. God is full of strength and, therefore, He can impart it to those who need it. Oh, be brave; for the Lord will impart His Strength to you, and you shall be calm in tempest, and glad in sorrow.

He who penned these lines can write as David did—“Wait, I say, on the Lord.” I do, indeed, say it. I know by long and deep experience that it is good for me to wait upon the Lord.

C. H. Spurgeon

The God of Hope

Here’s a sweet

reminder from Tina Groll.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

For those of us who have gone through the pain of divorce, it sometimes seems as if we don’t fit into the Christian society.

It’s not that people shun us or anything, it’s what we might be feeling inside ourselves that makes us think that we no longer “fit in.” Have you ever wondered what people might be thinking of you; why did you divorce anyway?

I spent seven years as a divorced mother with four children. There was nothing more I wanted other than to be a wife and mother. I believe it is one of my greatest callings.

As the MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) coordinator at my church for four year, I counseled women on motherhood and marriage. Then, there I was, divorced! How could God use me now, I wondered?

My journey on the path of singleness, however, was a very rich learning experience. It gave me the opportunity to really discover who I was. I discovered gifts and talents I had no idea I possessed!

Though there was much pain and uncertainty along the way, it was a learning period that God definitely used for good. He promises to always “do” if we are trusting in Him.

I have now remarried. A year and a half later and I am able to answer the question “how can God use me now?”

My family and I just spent a week at a Christian camp where, although most everyone was married, there was a handful of single moms in the group. Guess whom God placed smack dab in the middle of my path? That’s right, the single moms!

I shared a little about my journey of singleness and how God brought my husband and I together. My story brought them hope. God has a plan for everyone’s lives and He does work all things for the good of those who love Him. That is encouragement.

We serve a God of hope and no matter where we have been or what we have done He will always use us as long as we are willing servants!

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints (Ephesians 1:18).

How Will They Grow?

I missed church this weekend, and really missed church. As I watched the Dodgers lose, then the Angels later on, I thought about what my friends were doing at church. What Dennis was speaking about and the VBS name tags I needed to return to Connie.

My daughter had to work again and she needed my car. This is the second week in a row she’s not been at NewSong. Also, my son obviously didn’t get to go to Riot Squad. I worry about them. How will they grow.

Being a single mom means I have to be their spiritual leader, definitely a job for moms and dads to do together. It really gets hard doing it alone. My intention was to have a time of devotions together but that didn’t pan out. Something feels really wrong. I keep apologizing to the Lord for doing such a poor job.

When we do read the Bible together everything feels in place, especially when we discuss how it applies to our lives, as is. How will these kids turn out without a father? I know, the Lord will be a Father to the fatherless, I know this. But I have a part in this and I’m stumbling a bit in the dark.

Does anyone else feel like this?